Seven Days...

I open my eyes and before I look at the clock I know what time it is. I've been getting up at exactly 7:05am every day now for three days...regardless of what time I actually went to sleep. I lay in bed and stare at the window. Seven days ago I was awake a tabout this time, getting up and wandering into my room to find Rob still asleep. Today I'm wrapped up in his pajama pants, and button up shirt, hidden under the sheets. I never knew I'd be desperate to hear him snore again.
I walk downstairs notebook in hand, just incase I remember a bit of something about Rob to write and save. My aunt and uncle are immersed in their morning routines.
"Good morning." my Aunt Cheryl smiles when I walk intothe kitchen
"Hi."
"Miss Meliss! You sleep ok?" My uncles pipes up.
"Yup." I sit at the table and watch my aunt fix breakfast for all her parrots. No joke, she's got 9 of them, and a few other various types of bird. My uncle gets up and walks down the hall. I'm trying to identify what I'm feeling at the moment. I can't put a word to it.
"Whatcha wanna do today?" My aunt asks while chopping up grapes.
I shake my head. "I dunno." It's so pretty outside I feel we should be out.
"I have to go to the mall but that's it." she replies.
I nod. "I'm going to meet Patrick for dinner at 7. We could go to TownCenter." (It's a huge outdoor mall)
"Let's do that then!"
While she's feeding the birds, I carefully make my own breakfast. Cereal and bananas. I usually inhale food but I haven't had much interest in that. Again, each bite is slow and deliberate. Like clockwork, I check email, cry, shower, makeup my face, put clothes on and off we go. I'm listless as we go from one store to another,looking at this or that. I'm content to be here but my mind is elsewhere. It jumps from trying to physically grasp Rob,to trying to make sense of everything andthe fact that he's not here, to memories, to Atlanta,to feeling completely alone. It's like my brain is trying to figure out how to fix the situation andsomething else is telling it that it can't and it needs to be still. That constant battle leaves me gasping for air. I don't know where to turn, or where to go. I want to focus on what's in front of me but I can't be still. I want to run hard and fast, I want someone to hold my hand, I want to scream, where isthe FUCKING AIR?! We walk to Victoria's Secret. I have this *thing* for frilly underwear. I've been this way since I was little. The last time I bought anything from here itwas with Rob in mind. "Look how pretty that bra is." My aunt points to ahuge picture of a woman wearing a soft pink bra. I smile. "You wanna go look at it?" she asks."Ok."We walk in and are bombarded by two sales girls. Iknow they're just doing they're job but get the fuckout of my space. I didn't know how I'd feel coming inhere. It's not fun. I don't want new anything. I don't want to think about all the pretty things that he'll never see. The sales girls go away and it's just me and my aunt. I could vomit from the intensity of the overwhelming feelings that are caving in around me. I feel as ifsomething is protecting me from thinking about all thesweet times we had alone. I want to re-live it toremember it but at the same time, I'm not going to getit back and that's too scary to actually face rightnow. I hate looking at all this. I could wait outside... My phone rings. It's Rob's dad.
"Hey! I was just calling to check up on you."
"I'm ok. It's been up and down. I'm in Florida with mymom's sister."
"Good. She taking good care of you?" he asks.
"She is." I smile.
"I just want to tell you again what a beautiful job you did speaking at Rob's funeral. You told an amazing love story."
My eyes fill with tears. "Thank you."
"I just wanted to see how you are. Don't be a stranger."
"Thank you. I won't. I'm going to come see you guys on Wednesday." I manage to get out.
"Ok, we'll see you then."
"Kay. Bye."
"Bye."We leave the store as I hang up the phone. Outside the breeze is ruffling up my hair. The sun is bright, andthe air is clear. I stare at the trees and remind myself that I'm ok. Everything is ok. Rob told me all the time. "I'm right here. I've got you. Don't worry about anything."
It's funny now that I have more faith that he's here with me right now than I did when he was alive. I can't explain it. I knew he loved me and was always there for me when he was here, it's just that maybe I felt I didn't deserve all that at the time. My heart breaks when I look back and see how difficult it was for me at first to let go and let him love me. I was just getting the hang of it when everything was cut short. My phone rings again. It's Patrick. We agree to meet at the bookstore here at TownCenter at 7. My aunt has to go. It's 6pm. We walk to her car, say goodbye and I walk back to the bookstore. I don't feel so grounded anymore now that I'm alone. I'm scared of the thoughts that might creep into my mind. I sit on a bench to try and be still. I'm desperate for alone time but I'm desperate to reach out to people. What is this?! I'm so frustrated. I can't focus. As soon as I do one thing, I want another. I call my mom. We talk until Patrick gets here. He and I go to a Mexican place. It was so delicious! Patrick is as quiet as I am... not. I talked his ear off for a long long time. He took me back to my aunt's where she and I stayed up talking some more. I have to go home tomorrow. Don't want to. It's as if this won't be real if I just stay right here...