Viewing...

I was still wrapped up in the shirt that Rob wore on the day we met when I stepped out into the world and tried to function. I had already written some checks this morning and put together some things for the bank. That was my first stop. The last thing the teller said to me was,
"Have a great day Ms Nipper. Take care."
I burst into tears as I left. Takecare...I'm trying.
Atlanta... I'm on the phone with my friend Becca as I'm rummaging through my closet, looking for something to wear to the funeral tonight. She's filling me upwith her kindness. I bring everything I'm going to take back to Jonesboro to my living room and place it on my couch. I stare at the couch. I slept many weekends there because of Rob's snoring. I smile and walk to the kitchen. OK...I tell myself. Deal with your car. I'm in work mode as I call the insurance company. She instructs me to call the towing company and tell them that a body shop is coming to get the car. When I do this the tow company is less than excited about it. They need my first born and I don't have the energy to deal with it. Rob isn't here to stand with me. I lose my mind, screaming and crying to my mother that I cannot handle these assholes right now. She's trying to calm me down. She tells me to come to her office and we'll fax the stuff over. On my way to her office, I cry and scream to Nathan. I know I have to take care of things, I have to pay bills still, work at some point, take care of myself but all I can do is focus on Rob. I want to. I do, I want to feel everything even though it hurts.
I get things taken care of for the most part at mom's office. I just want it to end. My aunt Teal, and I get our toes and nails done. I talk and talk and talk about the past week, trying to remember all the stories I wanted to share. We go to lunch and I share more and more things about myself that I've never shared with my extended family before. I could talk to her all day. It's so refreshing to get all this off my chest. Rob taught me that... that it's ok to be human. He loved and accepted me, flaws and all. In just a few short days I've been able to grieve openly and share details of my life with my friends and family like I've never done before. I am forever grateful. I go home and get ready to go to the viewing. I carefully shave my legs, apply make-up, and do my hair as if Rob and I are going on a date. I get dressed and leave with my dad. Rob's family gets there the same time we do. We all walk in. It takes my breath away to see his casket. His Citadel uniform is hanging next to it. Pictures are set up on a table. I can't stop staring at him. The whole night is a whirlwind. Laura reminds her mom that I want to speak at the funeral which stops my heart. Yes, I want to. I want to share with everyonehow much he meant to me. My family came. My co-workers came. I didn't want to let go of my manager when I threw my arms around her. Tears came hard and fast. I feel so loved. So amazingly loved. I'm overwhelmed. Many family members came up to me saying "Oh! You're Melissa.We've heard so much about you. He loved you so much. You made him so happy." I cannot find the words to tell them how much he meant to me and how much I loved him. I can't measure it, can't explain it but that it was immense. The place was crazy packed all night. When things began to calm down, I found his sister Laura.
"Where have you been all my life?" I giggled to her, hugging her. I realized I said that to Rob all the time, and I hung on her to tighter. She and I wandered and talked.She showed me her slide show that she put together. It's so cute! I love it.
It's time to go. I stare at the casket. Reach out and touch it. I kept looking for him tonight. Kate had Shevis, Laura had David. Where's Rob? I'm standing alone. I tell him over and over again that I love him. I don't want to leave him here. It's cold in the room. I want to curl up with him. I want my chest pressed to his back, his fingers laced with mine.
I drive home. Part of me doesn't want this to end. When it does, when he's in the ground, it's final. Time isn't stopping.